Random crap and rantings
by jiana weasley
Summary: i got bored and started to write crap please review this is Ginny's chapter but Harry and all the Gang will be joining soon
1. Ginny Queen of cats and cards

Random crap and ranting  
  
Please don't take anything I type to literally as I already have one friend seeing a psychiatrist I don't need me in there to!  
  
I was sitting in my kitchen with Jim (my invisible friend who lives in the attic and looks surprisingly like Ron Weasley if he had stubble and blonde tips, yes I said tips). We were playing grape slice (throwing grapes into the air then trying to chop them in half with a butchers knife) when there was a knock at the door. I answered the door to find a very distraught Ginny running around throwing tarot cards at my neighbours cats.  
  
"Evil, evil your all spies for Voldemort" she screamed as the cats hissed and tried to catch the cards. " You!" she pointed to me.  
  
"ME?" I asked expecting her to turn on me with the cards.  
  
"Yes You" she replied running over to me. I started to feel a little uncomfortable but luckily Jim had came from the kitchen and was offering invisible support.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do you know the muffin man?" she asked.  
  
"The muffin man?"  
  
"The muffin man!"  
  
"That lives in Hawthorn drive! No… wait… that's the marshmallow woman, nope sorry don't know the muffin man, Why?" I asked now curious.  
  
"I can't tell you out hear the cats are listening!" she pointed to a black and white moggie that had stopped right in front of us.  
  
"Bob are you listening in to our conversation?" the cat shook his head and walked away as Ginny walked into my house.  
  
"So what do you ant the muffin man for?" I asked as we sat down with a cup of tea and an empty cup for Jim.  
  
"The muffin man has a dog called Deefur!" Ginny told me as she shuffled her tarot cards.  
  
"Deefur?" I thought this was a very strange name for a dog.  
  
"Yes Deefur, Deefur dog. Any way this dog can travel through space and time by just standing on its tail and I think Voldemort wants the dog so he can travel back in time to kill Harry when he is really young and vulnerable!" Ginny told me as she started to dish out the cards.  
  
"So you want to get a hold of the dog first but you need to talk to the muffin man to get to the dog and you thought that I knew the muffin man and the cats are with Voldemort because of Deefur dog." Things were beginning to make sense (Who the hell am I kidding I was still completely warped.)  
  
"Exactly but I need to go now so I'll leave you with this one piece of advice." She put on this very mystical and spooky voice and said "Don't run with scissors, they can take your eye out if your not careful." Then disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
  
"Well Jim what do you make of that" I asked but as usual he didn't answer but I knew he understood.  
  
  
  
  
  
Well what do you think of the first chapter of my random crap and ranting I'm telling you it wasn't easy being to crap. Next chapter we will have Harry Potter and the tea pot of doom please all constructive criticism is welcome. 


	2. Harry and the kettle of doom

Thank you to the very lovely people who reviewed last time glad you liked the fact that I can write unstoppable crap. Ok as promised here's the next chapter enjoy and peace out. P.S. hi Cate Hannah Jodie Ashley and Kerry if I missed your name it's because I'm going senile. OOH and shout outs to Liniblue nsync fans read her fics Jenn my best friend who's a bit ill at the moe and my crew hey guys.  
  
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It had been a week since Ginny had turned up at my door and I was watching The Lord of the Rings swooning over the sexual elf with the sexiest ears in the world. Jim was rather partial to Aragorn and he was hogging the popcorn.  
  
"Hey Jim do you think Ginny ever found the muffin man" I asked as the Balrog erupted from the mines of Moria.  
  
"…" Said Jim suddenly the air before us shimmered and a small boy with messy black hair and big green eyes appeared from no where.  
  
If they had been on SMTV live Queen Brian would probably stand and say "Every one I'd like you to meet the hunk of the Gryffindor Quidditch teem Harry Potter" while making very extravagant gestures with his one of his hands the other being on his hip.  
  
"Hi" he said before sitting on the couch and putting his feet on the table. "So Ginny tells me you know the Marshmallow woman."  
  
"Yeah I know the Marshmallow woman" I tell him. Soon were talking about harmless things like the destruction of the world. "So did Ginny find the Muffin man or Deefur dog?"  
  
"Yeah she found them but it turned out to be a false alarm Deefur actually only stood on his tail to create portals to alternate dimensions so were fine" he watched with interest as the credits for the movie scrolled up.  
  
"Cool me and Jim were a bit worried" Harry ate all my popcorn and I was very upset so to make it up to me he went to make a cup of tea.  
  
After 5 minutes I started to get a bit worried about Harry then a scream made me jump out of my skin and run around the room. "AAAAAHHHHHHH HELP ME THE KETTLE THE KETTLE"  
  
I ran through to the kitchen to find Harry backed up against the wall with my kettle hissing and blowing steam at him. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY KETTLE" I screamed as it jumped froward.  
  
"NOTHING IT WAS VOLDEMORT HE POSSESED IT" was Harry's terrified reply. Suddenly a plan formed in my mind.  
  
"Used the Fork Harry the fork!" he picked up the fork from the floor beside him and popped the kettle's lid off, decapping it.  
  
"Thank you I owe you my life" said Harry bowing low.  
  
I gave him a puzzled look "No you owe me a kettle" we agreed that if he paid for a new kettle his debt was paid.  
  
"May the fork be with you young potter" He nodded solemnly and turned and walked out my back door which for some strange reason was filled with smoke.  
  
  
  
Next chapter involves Ron and Hermione Ron thinks he's figured out how to kill Voldemort dun dun dun. Ah well please review love yall get well soon Jenn. 


	3. Hermione Ron and killing Voldemort

Thanking the lovely people who reviewed hope I live up to your expectations Appleannie I feel sorry for my parents to and my friends especially after I've drunk herbal tea (that stuff makes me hyper) ok Peace out and enjoy.  
  
  
  
Unlike most people I really enjoy school me and Jim were sitting in the make shift common room (also known as Mr Irvine's class room) Kay my kickboxing karate person friend was at the back of the class trying to fix up the radio.  
  
The first song on the radio was the one that goes "do a little dance make a little love get don tonight uh huh uh huh." We started dancing to the great music knowing all the moves of course and Jim started to strip on the desk.  
  
"…" Jim said startled I looked to where he was pointing to see Ron and Hermione flying in the window on broom sticks.  
  
"Hi if you're looking for the marshmallow woman she's at the joint (cafeteria) getting twelve bags of skittles" I told them.  
  
"Twelve bags of skittles?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Yeah Bob the teddy has been kidnapped and the ransom is 500 red skittles, so were saving them up" I showed them the Polaroid of the teddy with the gag in it's mouth. Hermione broke down in tears at the disturbing image.  
  
Jim had moved up very close behind Ron, and I winked at him. Jim pinched Rons bum but Ron didn't move cause Jim's invisible. "…" Jim had a crush on the red head probably because of what a handsome devil he was.  
  
"Get in there Jim!" I encouraged him. He hadn't had a proper relationship since his fiancée James had run away to America with Sid the leprechaun (Cara's invisible friend) who tragically was hit by a bus the following weekend.  
  
"I know something you don't know" sang Ron as he danced round Hermione. "I know something you don't know!"  
  
"What's that Ronald" the room sniggered and someone started to hum the Mc Donald's advert.  
  
"I know how to kill Voldemort!" He announced suddenly.  
  
DUN DUN DUN  
  
"You do how," I asked suddenly wrapped in his conversation.  
  
"Anti freeze" he told them with certainty.  
  
"Anti freeze" I raised my eyebrows.  
  
"Yeah I saw it in a movie once he melts we put him into Tupperware containers then bury him under the ground" he was getting very excited now.  
  
"Actually Ron you might have something the chemical components for Anti freeze are quite similar to that of the minki potion" Hermione turned to me. "For sometime leave you we must."  
  
"Death Voldemort's our hands is in" Nodded Ron.  
  
"I'm not afraid" I told them defiantly.  
  
"You will be" Hermiones voice lowered several octaves. "You will be."  
  
"Yes Yoda I will be" and they flew away.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok I need some help who should be next on the story Snape Dumbledor or Draco Malfoy and does anyone have any insane suggestions. 


	4. plotting the demise of Voldemort

Hello sorry I haven't been here for a while family business well I'll just get on with it.  
  
  
  
The next week I was sitting in my English class writing a book review, also known as passing letters to my friends about our next stunt for the school talent show. Our last award winning act was appropriately name "make my boobies one more size" a dedication to Spear Britney.  
  
When there was a chap at the window I glanced up to see a tennis ball sized owl trying to fly through the glass, Sean our local elf opened the window for the owl (you guessed it, it's pig). The letter clamped in its beak was dropped in my lap.  
  
Hello we were wondering if you would like to help us kill Voldemort. It is a simple matter of finding his hide out storming the gates beating up all the death eaters slipping anti-freeze in to Voldemort drink. Then we have to distract him long enough for it to take effect get names and addresses of all the death eaters and capture Peter Pettegrew. It should be easy.  
  
Yours sincerely Ron, Ginny, Harry and Hermione saviours of the Wizarding world.  
  
"What do you say Jim shall we go and help them" I asked every one in my class was looking at me with grave admiration, ok so it was confusion so what.  
  
"…" Said Jim standing up with determination.  
  
"That's the spirit Jim, Tally ho" we some how managed to get to the burrow one of those miraculous movie moments.  
  
"Ok we've discovered where the Death Eater head quarters are" Harry told the group, we were all wearing black balaclavas and black jump suits.  
  
"Where are they?" I asked from my plastic seat.  
  
"We have had information from several reliable sources saying that they are hiding out at the Blue Lagoon." Filled in Hermione.  
  
"The gay bar" I asked raising my eyebrows.  
  
"Well duh!" Ginny rolled her eyes "Have you scene their outfits they just scream ' I like guys!'"  
  
"OK people time to move operation 'feed Voldemort anti-freeze and unmask as many Death eaters as possible' has begun." Harry had a grim look of determination on his face.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sorry this chapters so short its just to set the scene for the next chapter where we will have Draco in a tu tu deadly chickens and what ever did happen to the kidnapped teddy bear dun dun dun 


	5. the blue lagoon and snape in a toga

Ok I know I haven't been back for ages so don't eat me I've been busy with exams and stuff!!  
  
  
  
Ok where did we leave off… ah yes…  
  
Harry walked up to the door of the Blue lagoon his gangsta' swagger dipping to the left every second step his timing was a little off.  
  
The front door was large and blue with an over sized sardine on it Harry took three large strides forward and kicked the door (Which blew its hinges despite his twiggy legs). We stepped in to the bar through a cloud of splinters and dust.  
  
"OH my god it's horrible!" Ron screamed at the top of his lungs, at the sights in front of him dun dun dun.  
  
"P-p-professor Snape" Hermione cringed away from her potions master who was kited out in a very revealing see-through Toga. "Put it away sir!" she turned her face to the left but was greeted by the monstrous sight of Draco Malfoy.  
  
His usual Hogwarts robes had been switched for a very tight, very pink Tu- Tu. "well Draco" grinned Ginny "what a little package you have there!" she bent her head to the side and raised her eye brows.  
  
"…!" Jim shouted he was in complete heaven, until scandal, James and Sid the Leprechaun. They never really committed suicide. Jim jumped on his fellow invisible person and started to beat the crap out of his ex-James.  
  
"Voldemort your rein of terror on the wizarding world is over!" Harry stood up to his full height of 4 foot nothing and glared at Voldemort. "Prepare to feel the wrath of Potty potter Defeater of kettles."  
  
"Ehem!" He was stealing my thunder not a happy girl. Harry gave me an apologetic smile but never took it back.  
  
"Give in or Die Voldemort" He pointed his wand at Voldemort, which promptly spewed a pile of… paper flowers.  
  
  
  
  
  
Next the battle I'll post it straight away! 


	6. the end

The battle had been drawing on for all of 5 minutes when Harry called time out in the Gryffindor corner. Doing a very bad impression of the Celtic huddle (it's a Scottish soccer team thing) he whispered very loudly to his friends. "Guys we are backed into a tight corner here but we can do this," he paused for dramatic effect, "its time to use the secret weapon."  
  
Over the other side of the club Voldemort was getting his followers fired up into a frenzy "Ok guys on three Go Team," the death eaters nodded dumbly, "1…2…3… GOOOOOO TEAM!"  
  
"I'll say this one last time Volde give in or feel the wrath of Pot-man!" Harry called over Draco's screaming, Hermione had turned his perfect hair green.  
  
"Ha Ha Ha" Voldemort laughed then Ginny let out the secret weapon. "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO" chickens with little damn buster helmets on swooped in on the cowering Death eaters, egg ammunition taking out halve their men. Ron fired evil coco pops (little puffed pieces of rice covered in chocolate) at the death eaters trying to escape.  
  
It seemed like the Gryffindor kittens were going to win until something so horrible, so disturbing, and so frightening that each of the allies fell down cowering in fear happened. SNAPE DROPPED HIS TOGA. Hermione was in tears screaming for her mum, I couldn't open my eyes I think they melted at the sight.  
  
Voldemort picked up his golden goblet and toasted us, "Here's to you Potter my arch enemy!" and he drained the glass.  
  
"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha " laughed Harry "Who has the last laugh now Voldemort" he grinned maniacally, "I spiked your drink with anti-freeze soon you will be dead." He sounded like the hero of a really bad vampire movie.  
  
Voldemort started to gag and do 3:60 head spins like the exorcist, every one got covered in split pea soup. Finally he fell still twitching only slightly, "Harry" he rasped "I am your father" cough cough.  
  
"NOOOOO DADDY!" Harry cried falling on his dead fathers' form.  
  
"Dude he tried to kill you" whispered Ron.  
  
Harry sat up with a start "oh yeah… any one wanna go for a coke?"  
  
"Yeah I am a little thirsty" agreed the others and I.  
  
The five heroes left looking like the survivors of a war brave and majestic, well except for Ron who tripped up going out the door. "Come on Jim!" I called over my shoulder.  
  
And once again the galaxy was safe.  
  
And that my friends is the end thank god I'm scaring my self but now I have no more exams which means party yeah  
  
P.S. for Kitkat the Teddy bear thing was based on a real event, while on holiday with the school one of the boys really did kidnap the teddy and gag it and send Polaroid's to my friend I've never eaten a skittle since. 


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